maigo wa sora ni migoto na kinoko no kumo

i went to insadong this weekend and bought a midi keyboard. i suppose i'll use it eventually to make horrible synth music. i got lost for a while, but i ultimately found my way to one of the few music stores in the country. it was easily the best music store i've ever been to. rows and rows of shops. window after window of fun things. i almost bought a ukelele instead, but i figured the keyboard would be more useful.

i often go through periods when i am "in a mood." right now, i would say i am in one of those periods. i spent a few hours today reading "shalimar the clown," which is a book about kashmir and the clashing of culture that occurs there in relation to the west (of course it was written by salman rushdie)...i don't know what the book said, but whatever it was has been with me all day. i think with "satanic verses" there is definitely a clear mantra ("what kind of idea are you?") and it's a question that demands answering (along w/the follow up question: "what do you do when you win?") "shalimar the clown" doesn't have anything like that, but it has left me with a sense of futility. the thing i keep hearing in it is: "what is the point of wanting anything?" i don't know for sure what my answer is, and maybe it's because i'm a bit down right now, but my answer goes something like this: desire/want was created in order to humiliate us in the purest sense of the word. well...maybe it still holds both meanings...like the man in the chariot whispering in your ear "you are but a man," desire serves the same purpose...and yes, i think it also serves to embarrass...so while that is a short answer on what i think wanting/desire does, i think that the "point" of it is that it's pointless...unless you categorize your life into a series of successes and failures, which seems pretty depressing in and of itself when the numbers are added up. i don't want to want anything anymore. i just don't want to be disappointed anymore.

somehow though, a few pages of a book influenced my mood wildly hours after i had put it away. this is how crazy people think. it's so frustrating because i keep deleting things and i keep trying to sound coherent and explain what i mean because it makes sense in my head, but not in blog form. how do you explain that the thought of "mantras" occurred to you this afternoon as you were walking home from homeplus in suwon, korea and a phrase kept repeating in your head that you hadn't read anywhere...that it was just a sentiment snatched out of the air...and the phrase makes you want to turn off? i am waiting for the sound of rollerblades behind me. i want the last year of my life to have been a dream.